he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
