Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
