end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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