My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
