I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
