i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
