i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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