I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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