yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
