My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
