I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
