my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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