i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
