Acid is not a monday night drug
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
