Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
