The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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