She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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