My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
