Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
