I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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