we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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