At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
