Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.