next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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