Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
