Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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