Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
