Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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