I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
