I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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