Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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