Banned from zoo.
Again?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
