I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your dad touched me again.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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