3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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