ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
