You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
