Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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