Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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