I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
