I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
