Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
