I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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