How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
