my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
