apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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