she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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