I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
