The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
