It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
