Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
