everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
