I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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