My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
