The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
