She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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