Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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