I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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