I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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