Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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