This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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