I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
