Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
