It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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