I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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