if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
