i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
