Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish you could order shots online.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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